Sunday, December 14, 2008

Guilty Sunday

This is becoming a habit of mine. Guilty Sunday I'm calling it, although it actually starts Saturday night.

Wait no, it really all starts on Friday as I'm planning my weekend in my head. I make a promise to myself that Sunday I will go to church. There are three or four services on Sunday so I figure it should be easy to make it to one, right? Wrong.

All day Saturday I am telling myself over and over that I can't forget about church the next day. I'm considering whether or not to take the children, or maybe go by myself this week. I've even put it in my planner and set a reminder (as if I'm going to forget, guilt has seered this event into my brain for an eternity). It's Saturday night, I'm watching SNL and replaying in my head over and over that I am going to church and I should go to bed. First I plan for the 11am service, then the 1pm to give myself a little more time to sleep. Yeah, that's just what I'll do! I'll make it to the 1pm with plenty of time to sleep in! Gosh, I'm so smart, this is a great idea.

Sunday morning... Beep Beep the alarm goes off at 11am. I get up and Hubbin is leaving for the gym. I'm thinking oh great, now how am I going to go to church? I have to take care of the kids and get ready and make it there on time? Wait, I can do it! Ugh, but I'm sooo tired, and my back really hurts, and it's very cozy in the house and VERY chilly outside. Hmm, maybe I'll just relax in the house today. NO! I have to go to church! I said I was going to go, and I love it once I get there.... So I have to go. But I'm just going to play with the kids for a little bit, then I'll get ready. I'll have plenty of time. Oh crap, it's noon! I gotta make lunch for the kids, and then put Bubba down for a nap and still get ready! Maybe I should just forget it. Guilt setting in in 5-4-3-2-1 GUILT TRIP!!!! Ugh. I am such a bad Christian. I can't even get out of the house once a week to worship my Lord and Savior who gave His life for me. It's 12:57, I haven't showered, I just took some pain pills so I can't drive, and I'm actually closer to a nap than to going anywhere.

Why do I do this to myself? Going or not going anywhere else wouldn't make me feel guilty at all. I love going to church too, but getting my butt in gear on Sunday is next to impossible. Sundays have always been my lazy day when I stay in my pj's and watch movies, while the house fills up with yummy smells from the crockpot. Getting that mentality out of my head has proven quite a challenge. No matter what I set out to do on Sunday, if it involves leaving the house, it's likely not to happen.

For anyone who is reading this post and thinking I am a terrible person, well I'm not. I have to keep reminding myself of that because I feel SO guilty about flaking out on God every Sunday. There are church services on other days as well, but I for whatever reason don't seem to make it to those either. I really envy people who get up bright and early and go to church every Sunday without fail because it does set the week in the right direction. After I go to church I feel whole, I feel centered and ready for anything. But on Sunday afternoon in my bed I feel warm and drowsy and ready for dreamland. Dangit! Darn you soft and inviting bed lurking into my brain and sucking out my motivation!

Now it's 1:15pm. Church has started, and without me. I'm still in my pj's, Bobbaloo is in bed and Mister is watching cartoons in my room. Hubs is playing WoW in the office, and I'm in the quiet and serene living room watching the trees sway in the backyard. I should be out there, at my beautiful church that I love singing and praising my Savior. Perhaps all the thinking I do about God and church and all the guilt I feel for not going could add up to something. I will say an extra prayer tonight, asking for forgiveness for my lackadaisical Sunday doings. Hopefully God will understand that I'm a sucker for a restful Sunday.

But I'm definitely going next week. For sure...

1 comment:

Mojo Jojo said...

Don't worry. I don't think you're a terrible person. This is just my opinion, but I don't believe you have to go to church to worship. And you DO have a personal relationship with God, so he hears you. Just be yourself, love your family and love God. The rest will take care of itself.